Fleeting Feelings

By Dr Anne Marie Creaven

Research commissioned by Laya indicates that we view many different types of people as susceptible to loneliness, with over three-quarters of those surveyed identifying older people, people with disabilities, retirees, single parents, and minority groups, as especially vulnerable. Over half of respondents agreed that neurodivergent people, new parents, those entering the work force for the first time, and adolescents, were also likely to feel lonely, illustrating that loneliness is likely to affect quite a range of people. If you’re beginning to think that loneliness is actually a very common human experience, that can affect just about anyone, you are correct. Loneliness is part of the wide spectrum of human emotions, from happiness, sadness, joy, and despair, and acts as a reminder to maintain the social connections that are crucial for our mental and physical health. How then, can we distinguish between occasional pangs of loneliness, and more severe, distressing loneliness?

Different types of loneliness

Although chronic, or intensively felt loneliness, can be quite distressing, occasional, mild, or “situational” loneliness is common and not necessarily something to be too concerned about. If you or someone in your life feels quite profoundly lonely, or has recurring feelings of loneliness, additional supports like counselling are worth considering. Laya’s data indicates that over 40% of people feeling lonely feel that loneliness impacts their self-esteem, their sleep quality, and contributes to symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress. Unsurprisingly, people scoring very highly on loneliness report that it impacts multiple other aspects of their mental health, indicating that professional support might be needed to get our mental and physical health back on the right track.

For some of us, feelings of loneliness are occasional, mild, and not too distressing (but are certainly not pleasant). These occasional feelings of loneliness might be alleviated by leaning into the social groups we already have through sport for example, as players, but also as volunteers, spectators, or simply as people with common interests and identities.  Besides this, understanding how these occasional feelings of loneliness come about might help us recognise and respond to these fleeting feelings.

Let’s talk about social comparison

One process that can give rise to loneliness is the process of “social comparison”. Social comparison refers to our tendency to compare ourselves to other people or “targets” around us, on our attributes, our behaviours, and on the ups and downs of life. Social comparison is not always negative because we can learn a lot by comparing ourselves to others. For example, imagine Leah is having a tough time managing a chronic illness. Talking with others in the same boat, and comparing experiences, can help Leah realise that her struggles are a normal part of her situation. This process could also help Leah identify when her struggles are a little more than expected for her situation, and prompt her to seek some additional support.

Social comparison though, can also have some downsides. When we compare our social worlds to those of others around us, it can be easy to find some limitation or flaw in our social lives. Maybe our colleagues seem to have busier lives outside of work than we do. Maybe the neighbours seem to know each other quite well, and we don’t have these local connections yet. Maybe other friendships seem emotionally closer than ours. When we compare ourselves in this way, loneliness can occur.

Can we tackle social comparison?

Social comparison is something we do without even thinking about it, and there can be some benefits. However, it’s important to remember that when we see people out and about, enjoying themselves together, we are seeing a short snapshot of their lives. When we see photos of people socializing on social media, we are still only seeing these brief snapshots. It’s easy to feel a little lonely when others seem to have closer or busier social lives, but how we respond to these feelings is what is most important. Instead of continuing to compare ourselves to others, we can focus instead on what we ourselves want out of our social relationships and social participation. For example, in Laya’s commissioned research, 42% of people experiencing loneliness felt that not having enough close friends or family members in their lives contributed to their loneliness. For 39%, not having enough social activities or events to attend, was a contributor, illustrating a different type of challenge. Reflecting on what we ourselves need from our social connections, rather than dwelling on the connections that others seem to have, might help us lead more connected and meaningful social lives.

What else leads to occasional or mild loneliness?

Besides recognising this process of social comparison, it can help to reflect on whether our loneliness is “situational”. Situational loneliness arises because of a change in our circumstances. For example, if we have recently been through a break-up, or moved to a new area, the driving force behind our loneliness is likely related to these situational changes. Situational loneliness will likely resolve in time, as we adapt to our new situations, but we can certainly help ourselves along. Sport is one excellent way to support us during times of situational loneliness. In some situations, we can maintain engagement with our social connections through sport, by playing, volunteering, attending matches, or simply by keeping up to date with our team’s progress. Keeping these routines and connections can be comforting during times of change in other areas of our lives.

Sometimes, our situation means we can no longer participate in sport the way we used to. For those of us playing sport, moving to a new area might mean our usual training sessions are disrupted. But this can also be an opportunity to find new ways to engage; that might be joining a new team, connecting with friends of friends through sport, or deciding to volunteer in our sport, even to establish new connections. Regardless of how we might use sport to respond to situational loneliness, appreciating that situational loneliness is about our situation, not about our personal characteristics, can help us cope well with this feeling.